Super like 💙

28.05.20

It’s been 4 months and 5 days since he swiped DOWN. Yup down as in super liked.

It will also be that plus an additional 2 days before I actually see this man in the flesh, as in stand in the same room and potentially (I’m hoping) kiss him!

I don’t know what this is. And I don’t know why I felt an impulsion to just book a flight to Sydney but I did. He lives on the central coast, north of Sydney. I live in Melbourne.

Conversation started in January. Then it stopped. Then Covid-19 happened. Lockdown happened. It’s now May and restrictions have only started lifting in the past week. Chat resumed maybe a week ago. Chat hasn’t stopped since and we migrated to normal text. But then there were more pictures, and he was so charming and lovely and I haven’t stopped smiling and then there were more handsome pics and well it all just seemed too good to be true. Was this guy real? I had to know. I wasn’t going to be catfished. I’m also currently reading FAKE. A memoir of sorts by a local investigative journo who fell in love with a con artist, a fantasist, a fake man. All this in the back of my mind. And its 2020, that shit isn’t uncommon.

So I said, “can I call you?” As in FaceTime. Now I don’t do that. I don’t call. I’m not a phone person. Definitely not with strangers. But I had this compulsion to see him face to face – even if through video call.

29.05.20

It’s been a flurry of butterflies building all week. It’s now the night before I go to Sydney. I’m excited. More excited than nervous. I actually have full trust in what’s happening. Maybe I’m being naive. Stupid. Hopelessly romantic. AGAIN. But this feels different. Since that first call we’ve FaceTimed or called at least once a day. As well as the thrall of text messages everyday as well. Only 3 people know what I’m about to do. I don’t want to elevate my expectations or jinx this experience. I really think I could be onto something good and I want it to unfold organically.

I’m actually so confident that I’m taking him a gift or memento to remember this weekend, when we met. Something he can take home that will remind him of me, should I be something he wants to remember. I’ve made him a homemade candle. We joked today about it actually. He doesn’t know the candle is for him but I told him I made one and its strawberry something scented. He laughed. He’s shared his passion for gardening and his vege patch with me too so I wanted to get him something to plant – I thought this could somewhat symbolise the beginning of something new and something growing into something beautiful. Only problem being theres not much you can plant in autumn/winter. Funnily enough its ideal time for strawberry planting. If nothing else it will be a giggle at my silliness.

Now I’m telling myself 2 bits of advice for tomorrow and the weekend ahead: be content with being imperfect and enjoy being myself uninhibited. What will be will be.

02.06.20

I can’t find the words. To say this date has been the best ever feels like a gross understatement. This man, David, has blown me away. Absolutely swept me off my feet!

I’m now in Budgewoi, Central Coast. He has taken me home for a few days. The weekend in Sydney was ultimate romance. Now I am seeing his life, his joy and his pride. And I am falling. Falling so hard! My heart is singing

07.06.20

I’m home. Back in Melbourne. And it’s not where I want to be!

I’ve been in a daze for 4 days. I’m on cloud 9. David is wonderful. He’s everything I’ve wanted and dreamed of. I can’t stop thinking about him. And he is the same he tells me. I have never felt so overwhelmed by this rush of oxytocin. It’s a waterfall I don’t want to take my head out of! I feel like every thought is occupied by David in some capacity and all I’m thinking about is when I can see him again. Hold him. Kiss him. Curl up against him and nuzzle the back of his neck.

We have FaceTimed everyday since I flew home. Actually more than once a day, and probably haven’t gone more than an hour without a text. I’m really just at a loss for words. My face has been Brighter Than the Sun for over a week – that’s our new theme song, we’re both avid SMASH fans – like could he get any better! I can’t wait to share him with the world. I also can’t wait to marry him. And I might have told him that on our last night in Sydney 4 days ago. When you know, you know they say. I knew on Sunday last week on the most romantic and impromptu picnic date I’ve ever been on.

13.06.20

He’s here. Here in Melbourne. For a whole week!! I’m beside myself with excitement.

And back to this book FAKE I’m reading, aside from initially playing on my conscience regarding David’s legitimacy and the possibility he could also be a ‘fake’ or conning me and I was potentially reading my own truth as it played out, – I’ve now put that to bed, he’s 100% genuine – the book actually uncovered a new word. A word that articulated perfectly how I feel right now, as it did for the author. Forelsket, noun (Dansk) – ironically David also works for a danish brand. Forelsket is that euphoric, addictive, obsessive feeling that takes hold when you are falling in love, or think you might be, and there is a shiny new sexual charge and a delusional sense that this person might just be perfect. It is delirium, the hyper-charged crush,the rose-tinted glasses and the intrusive, vivid daydreams.

15.06.20

I am so fucking in love!

20.06.20

What a week!! I really didn’t think perfect existed. But I’ve found it in David.

I am so overwhelmed and full with emotion you’d think I could blurt it all on the page but I simply don’t know where to begin. I can say this for certain, when you know, you know! I’ve never been more sure about someone in my life. And I truly think there’s something to be said for the old clichè ‘if you can’t love yourself, how you ever gonna love somebody else.’

I had a rough go of things when this pandemic started, then things plateaued a bit and then I got quite low again and I actually sort therapy. I never thought I would be one to succumb to needing help. I thought I was strong and resilient and I could work through my own problems. Moreover I convinced myself my moments of depression were fleeting and normal and everyone experienced what I did on occasion as well. And they probably do, but that’s not to say seeking help and guidance would be defeatist.

Long story short I set to making myself feel better and learning to love myself. My declining mental state was mainly focussed around me comparing myself and my life to others, wanting love, wanting happiness, wanting stability and yearning for direction and purpose – all highlighted by the pandemic. I started this process of growth and self-love with 2 simple steps. I asked my best friend if we could help each other build an affirmation board – set goals, visions, tasks, areas of focus to be the best version of ourselves. I also temporary deleted Instagram and Grindr for a month to save myself from the toxicity of comparison and superficiality.

Enter David. Enter love.

I definitely believe that love comes to you when you’re ready for it within. When you can give yourself to it completely and not use it or them as a vehicle to happiness.

26.06.20

I’m back at David’s home on the central coast. Soon to be my second home. Shhhh, don’t let him hear me say that. It’s odd how at home I do feel though. It’s very familiar and I’m very at ease with being in his home and cohabiting.

I told David last night, I’ve never felt so loved by someone. Loving someone is one thing, but to feel and breathe and see someone’s love for you is an incredible and beautiful experience. A love that is matched. I was really unsure for a long time I could find that. I never doubted I could love someone, but to find someone that loved me equally and someone that didn’t just simply say it but radiates it and is imbued with a love for me, I wasn’t sure was possible. But it really is. And I’m harbouring it every day!

02.07.20

Wow! Where has a month gone?! I think I’m about ready to post this.

Let it be known how truly grateful I am for the space in which I have found myself, physically, mentally and emotionally. I thank my lucky stars every day for the sheer joy I have found in falling in love again and which has permeated so much of the rest of my being this past month. My Facebook profile is captioned ‘Expect nothing. Appreciate everything.’ I’ve never felt it to be more true and to be such living words. Love is out there. For all of us. It will come to us all in different and unique ways. All in good time. If nothing else, meeting David has taught me that you have to believe, you have to trust – in yourself, in love itself, in your deserving of it and in time.

Phillip