Love in Lockdown

August 9

So I’m on the other side of 2 months of love and romance and morning cups of tea in bed together. We’re 988kms apart now, and thanks to Covid-19 and the subsequent second lockdown of Melbourne, it is unknown for how long. Truth be told, it’s a hard transition from 24/7, breathing the same air to suddenly being alone and adjusting your habits and your heart to what had quickly become such an easy and beautiful new normal together.

August 17

A week later and this past weekend has in parts been an unbearable struggle. Separation anxiety? Well, I’m not 100% sure if you’d clinically classify as such but it is severe longing at the very least. I’ve never felt my heart so full in one sense yet also yearning for what I left on the Central Coast.

David is without failure, the first and last thing I think about every day. He also occupies much of every thought between good morning cups of tea and night time pillow talk. And I’ll be the first to admit this is too much. But stage 4 lockdown is offering me nothing in terms of respite, distraction or activity. I mean, I’m not mad he’s all I think about it. He’s the most wonderful human. I truly can’t say enough about how this man makes me feel, how just seeing his face on my screen makes my heart sing. I also know how this is unhealthy and not good for my psyche, along with putting unwanted pressure on him to satisfy my yearning for attention and comfort.

Navigating love in a lockdown, new love mind you, is an emotional challenge like no other. Let me just say too, everything I say about David, every feeling, every adjective to describe him and our love is not any attempt to exude poetic license or dramatise for creative effect. It’s all genuine. All of it. Though, I am weary of how my translating it into words and in written form can sound superfluous, but it is not. David, this love, is all that I say it is and more.

August 20

A few more days have passed and it’s becoming more manageable I guess. Perhaps I’ve become more accepting of the situation. I’ve also refocussed myself and my outlook. My biggest struggle, of which has become more apparent this week thanks to some uniquely sourced insight, is my impatience. A quality of which I’m learning contributes to much of how I feel in life and in love. A quality that science says I’ve probably carried since before the age of 10.

Compound an impatient tendency with stage 4 lockdown, where literally life is at a stand still and you’re basically imprisoned in your own home for 13 of 15 hours there isn’t also a curfew in place, and well it looks like self-implosion. However, with some mindful tools, a little self-therapy, meditation and some honest talking, I’ve mitigated the implosion, for a few days at least. We know at least that it won’t be me David’s waiting on at the top of the aisle.

August 24

Crossroads. I’m lost. I know I need to be adaptable. I know I need to meet him halfway. I know I can’t make this all about me. I know it has to be about what’s good for him too. Emotionally we’re so different. Both emotional people. But with different needs. At what point am I compromising so much and not being true to myself. Why does compromise feel like I’m just giving in to what he wants? 

I love this man. I’ve said it time and time again. I’ve tried so many ways, with so many words and metaphors to convey how big my love is for him. And it still is. Very much so. But now it’s smothering him. Now I fear it’s too much. He is overwhelmed and needs space. Contact space. Physically, lockdown is keeping us from each others space but it has driven me into a space of virtual replacement. I’m struggling. It hurts. I don’t know how to love at a distance. He’s right, I haven’t even given him an opportunity to miss me or chase me.

August 27

I think this is a lesson. This time apart is a lesson. A lesson of being alone. Finding contentment. Finding myself. The search I started earlier in this pandemic before meeting David. Back to ‘How he gonna love me, if I can’t love myself?’ 

August 29

Why am I so lonely? So lonely it hurts. It’s consuming and heavy. And I just don’t know how to be better. Why is this happening to me? I just keep asking myself why was I given those 6 glorious weeks with David to then now have to endure this? It’s torture. And also because I feel like I can’t wholly express this to David because it will affect how he views me and my ability to be alone and without him. 

He needs space. He has it physically. But he needs it emotionally and on a communication level. Whereas I’m craving it. It’s getting me through. It’s the highlight of my day speaking to him, seeing his face. I know I need more than this. I’m just not sure he really understands how gratifying it is to talk to him. 

September 2

It’s been one month apart now. I seriously don’t know how I’ve done it. It’s been the hardest month of my year that’s for sure. Emotionally it’s actually been one of the hardest things I’ve been through ever. I’m not taking away from what others in Melbourne are going through as well right now. It’s heavy and torturous stuff. But I think I would have dealt a lot better through Stage 4 if I wasn’t so in love with a man that is only 900kms away but feels like he’s on the other side of the world.

I must also be grateful. Grateful I have someone to love. Someone to think about and care about and talk to (if not as often as I’d like haha). There are those that don’t have that. They are much more alone than I am. I wonder how they are coping and if it is better or worse than me. Maybe they’re like David and just fine with being alone, enjoying their own space and finding fulfilment in their own bubble. I do admire that about him, I really do. And it’s something I want to learn. If that’s even possible. We’re all programmed the way we are. David is that strong, independent and alone (different to lonely) man because of where he’s come from, his upbringing, his life journey to this point that has condition him that way. And he is who he is. And he is proud. As am I, of him. 

I’ve developed what I’d call a reasonable anxiety condition now. Maybe I’ve always had some level of anxiety but it’s either become more apparent to me or been perpetuated by this damn pandemic. This has to get easier. I need some light at the end of the tunnel. I just need something to look forward to. I need to know when I’m going to see him! 

September 13

Well I think I’m making progress. Emotionally and with my anxiety. Actually on second thought…

It’s been a good week. I’ve managed to sustain minimal contact. One call a day and a few text messages. Mostly all on his initiation. Yesterday we actually FaceTimed for an hour which was great. But weekends are harder. I don’t know why that is. Especially because there’s hardly a difference here in lockdown. Every day is the same. But for some reason I crave more attention on the weekend. I want to know what he’s doing. It’s probably just that he’s not working and could be doing a whole plethora of things. And he loves his down time, his time to disconnect and potter. I love that about him. He’s so content.

I’m know the need to see him and know what he’s doing isn’t insecurity and is just a longing. I have so much time to think about him. There’s literally nothing to do in lockdown. I don’t have a garden to tend or a property that needs maintaining and fluffing. I can’t go to the beach. Well not to lay in the sun or swim. He has that luxury. We’re not even allowed to stop in the park here. No lingering. Exercise or essential items are the only reason to be on the street. It’s just debilitating. No one person in my life has ever brought me such sheer joy. I just need to keep busy. 

September 25

I’ve lost my mindset, my mantra. I’ve lived by ‘no day but today’ since I connected with those Live in the today, be ready for tomorrow. I would stay awake at night sometimes, simply not ready to start another day. Time would go by so fast. I would savour everyday. Grateful to have it. Yearning for there to be more time to do everything. Now my mindset is time can’t go fast enough. All I want is to see my baby. I’m wishing away the days and the weeks just to get to him and finally wake up next to him again.

This is not who I am. I’m always busy and fitting so much and so many people into my day. And now I have nothing to fill my day. Stage 4 lockdown is dragging on another month and still there’s no certain end in sight. I want more. I need more. Phone calls and FaceTime is all that gets me through my day. What has life become? Why Melbourne? Why me? What is the bigger picture?? I hope this is all for something good and beautiful.

October 6

Well it’s been more than 2 months apart now. We’ve now spent more time apart than together. Which also means we’ve been together, if only half of it physically, for 4 months now. And it’s still the best thing to happen this year even though the whirlwind of emotion and navigating love at distance continues.

Contact is getting less and less. Which I struggle with because I’m not thinking of him any less. But it’s how it needs to be to sustain. Last week was a good test because I was working. 5 days in Brisbane meant I was distracted, working, busy, interacting with other people. Although it did begin with a semi meltdown and I had to call on a friend in a state of anxiety, anticipating the hard conversation about to unfold with David. But we made some headway in the days that followed.

And now, without jinxing anything it looks like there’s going to be some sweet reprieve and I will get to secretly throw myself into his arms in Sydney next week on my layover. I’m undoubtedly more excited than he is. But it feels so fucking good to finally have something, a date on the calendar, to look forward to! 7 sleeps to go!!

October 22

Jinx it I did! 😦

I still haven’t seen him. He was the rational and sensible one and realised there was too much risk in trying to secretly see him in the hotel on my layover. I’ve been an up and down the last couple of weeks. The pining hasn’t stopped, I think I’m just getting better at managing it. And perhaps a little tired of how debilitating the anxiety and worry is. It’s definitely emotionally exhausting. That said, I still believe our relationship is getting stronger in some regard despite the physical distance. I still dream and let my mind run away with me. I still want those 6 magical weeks together back. I’ll move to Sydney in a heartbeat when all the stars align. But I’ve also somewhat resided to the fact that I have to let that happen and can’t force the stars in line.

David is going through a really rough time with the renovation. The bad or the bumps and the setbacks just won’t let up. He’s had to completely migrate to the caravan and his house is basically just a shell and is in disarray. The confines of the van is taking a toll on him emotionally and mentally. He’s strong, such a trooper. I’m so proud of him. He deals so well with all the stress of the situation. It’s hard being here and trying to be a good support for him. I feel so helpless. He keeps saying there’s nothing I can do or anybody else. That doesn’t mean I stop wanting to help somehow. I’d really just love to be able to take care of him. Cook him dinner, do his laundry, carry some of his burden so he’s got less to worry about. And make sure he’s looking after himself. I’m also continually conscious of not becoming something else he has to manage. But he knows I’m here, I’m only a call or a text away when he needs to vent or talk it out. I think for now it’s best that I let him drive the contact rather than check in on him all the time. Easier said than done.

God damn I’m lucky to have someone so wonderful to care so much about.

November 4

NSW Border opens November 23!!! Woohoo!!

November 23

So if you’ve read this far you’re probably thinking I must be in Sydney haha. Yes the border opened today but I’ve got 5 more sleeps before I see David. Reunited where it all began at The Larmont Hotel. Excited is an understatement!

It’s been such an emotional and mental journey these past 4 months, I really thought I’d never get here. Here at a place of inner calm, anxiety on the excited end of the spectrum and not the fear or worry end. I know I’m gonna cry on Saturday, and I won’t be surprised if he does too. God it feels good to be in love. I never ever thought I’d have to endure love in a lockdown. It’s not something I’d wish upon anyone. But I did it and I’d say its my greatest accomplishment of 2020. That and finding David 🙂

December 1

It happened. I saw him. Finally. I threw my arms around him!

And the weekend was like I fell in love all over again!!

I also figured something out. I realised why these last 4 months have been so torturous. More than just being in love and being separated for the greater part of what was an unknown amount of time, I experienced a feeling I’ve never felt before in my life and I couldn’t articulate that feeling or recognise that feeling until I was holding David’s hand again. Homesick. I found a home in David 4 months ago and it wasn’t until we were reunited that I realised it’s homesick I’ve been feeling all this time. I’ve lived out of home and away from family since I was 17, I moved further away to Australia at 21 and have never experienced the feeling of homesick. So in retrospect there’s something ironically beautiful that I’ve felt that for the first time.

One might say 2020 was cruel to be kind. It’s certainly been a whirlwind of emotion and I’ve grown and learnt so much about myself. But most of all, despite everything 2020 has served, I found love.

Melbourne is now more than 28 days Covid-free. Something I never thought could be achieved this year. Normalcy is returning slowly. It’s 3 weeks until Christmas and 3 weeks until this love story starts a new chapter!!

P.S. it’s also been the hardest year on record for David too as he’s still living in a caravan through a nightmare home renovation, but also just quietly because he’s missed me too I learnt last week 😉